enigmarch

It is March and the lovely #EnigMarch people have challenged puzzle designers to write a puzzle inspired by today's word: "moving".

Oh no! The USA clown President Trump bombed Iran with no plan and no objective! People sometimes complain about "moving the goalposts;" but if there are no goalposts, why not just move the whole playing field?

Here's a snippet from a post that went viral over the weekend:

Friday’s press gaggle. Barely exaggerated: at 12:03 PM, President Trump told reporters he wanted a ceasefire with Iran. At 12:05 he declared victory. At 12:07 he announced he was sending Marines. At 12:08 he said no boots on the ground. At 12:11 he said he did not want a ceasefire. At 12:16 he declared victory again. At 12:17 he asked for a ceasefire. At 12:23 he told NATO they were cowards.
–Gold and Geopolitics newsletter

Given that, interpret the following to figure out what Trump was crying out for as balance from the Legislative Branch (or from an insider investor if you believe the conjecture from part of that newsletter I didn't quote):

_ Ceasefire with Iran now!

_ No boots on the ground!

_ Good news: We won, guys!

_ Ceasefire with Iran now!

_ No ceasefire!

_ _ _ _ _

Hints: rot13'd:

Gur bevtvany dhbgr tbrf ba n ovg shegure, ohg V qvqa'g arrq nal gvzrf nsgre gjryir gjragl-fvk b'pybpx.
Va gur dhbgr, ng 12:03 ur nfxf sbe prnfrsver jvgu Vena; ng 12:17 ur nfxrq sbe n prnfrsver (creuncf abg gvrq gb nal pbhagel). Guhf jura V jebgr "Prnfrsver jvgu Vena" V jnf gelvat gb cbvag ng guerr nsgre gjryir fcrpvsvpnyyl
Fvapr p vf gur guveq yrggre bs gur nycunorg, jura V ersre gb gur 12:03 fgngrzrag, V zrna P

Solution, rot13'd:

Nccylvat gur flfgrz qrfpevorq va gur uvagf, jr trg purpx

Metropolis newspaper The Daily…	P L A NⒺT	Metropolis news reporter Lois
USA peculiar, bad clown president	T_ _◯P	Peculiar, bad (cryptic crossword slang)
Beer brand	P_◯_T	Muscles covered by a beer belly
Today's #EnigMarch _ is "planet"	P◯_ _ _T	Play around, perhaps with a puzzle idea
Austrian singer family	T_◯_P	Hip-hop focused on speech
Discworld author with some swagger	P_ _ _◯_ _ _T	Swagger, perhaps indecorous
Rush drummer Neil	P◯_ _T	👂️ Drummer's most important organ? 👂️

g Ⓞ l d	Foreign nationals who contribute $1 million can receive U.S. residency in weeks
p Ⓛ a t i n u m	$5 million gets you U.S. residency and pay no tax on non-U.S. income
_◯_ _ _ _ _	$14 million gets you your own chip fab plant
_ _ _ _ _◯_ _	$1 million extra if arriving on the Hindenberg (explodey)
◯_ _ _ _ _ _ _	$13 million gets you a selection of canned beers and sodas
_◯_ _	$26 million keeps your clothes wrinkle-free
_ _◯_ _ _	$28 million gets you a genuine U.S. coin
_◯_ _ _ _ _ _	$17 million includes use of a guaranteed-disinfected swimming pool
_ _◯_ _ _ _	$36 million surcharge for foreigners from explodey planets

`v i Ⓢ i t`	Fly to Epstein's island, perhaps
`_ ◯ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _`	Not a boat; state of being in an organization
`_ ◯ _ _ _ _ _ _ _`	📎

`_ ◯ _ _ _ _`	_____ of inertia
`_ _ ◯ _ _ _ _`	Department of War, formerly ______

`_ _ ◯ _ _`	Secret identity: _____ Parker
`_ _ ◯ _ _ _ _`	Capital of Ontario
`_ _ _ _ _ ◯ _`	He famously had no clothes
`_ ◯ _ _ _`	"Donald Trump has learned his lesson." –Senator _____ Collins
`_ _ _ ◯ _ _`	Papa, ______, Romeo
`_ ◯ _ _`	Frequent Epstein Island visitor Dershowitz
`_ ◯ _ _ _ _ _ _`	Last Monday in May: _______ Day
`_ _ _ _ ◯ _`	🧀

🏛️ Like original Coca-Cola 🏛️	c l a s s i c	l aⓈs i
The S in ESPN	_ _ _ _ _ _	◯_ _ _
🚂 or motor	_ _ _ _ _ _	_◯_
Townsfolk	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_ _◯_ _
___ Cage, Face/Off costar	_ _ _ _ _ _ _	_◯_ _
Vapor rising from 🫖	_ _ _ _ _	◯_ _

[6]	Trump Ⓢhuttle	Never profitable while it lasted, eventually sold to USAir
[15]		Never accredited, buried in lawsuits
[10]		How? How could he bankrupt this business if the house always wins?
[8]		Booze endorsement from a non-drinker failed to convince, maybe
[2]		Even with its very gullible users, few advertisers were interested
[7]		CEO E.J. Ridings said he was a top finance exec, but had just worked 3 months at Morgan Stanley–and was friends with Don Jr.
[6]		Travel website that definitely wasn't ever called "got rump"
[8]		His photo on catalog cover may have led to loss of appetite

📥️ (2)	🗳️ (3)	💰️ (4)	🫧 (5)	6️⃣ (6)
_	_	_	A	_	`MorgAn`, Marian Wire fraud (7 counts); money laundering (6 counts). Convicted in a Ponzi scheme that bilked investors out of $28 million.
_	_	_	_	_	`Blagojevich`, Rod Corrupt solicitation of funds; conspiracy to corruptly solicit funds (two counts). Illinois governor convicted of "selling" the senate seat vacated by Barack Obama.
_	_	_	_	_	`Ulbricht`, Ross Conspiracy to commit money laundering. Also known as "Dread Pirate Roberts", Ulbricht founded the illegal online black market website Silk Road.
_	_	_	_	_	`Garced`, Wanda Vázquez Conspiracy (two counts); federal program bribery (two counts). Charges reduced to misdemeanors after a conspirator's daughter donated $3.5M to MAGA Inc.
_	_	_	_	_	`Huttle`, Matthew Sentenced in November 2023 to six months in prison and a year of supervised release for entering the Capitol and multiple offices.
_	_	_	_	_	`Valenzuela`, Anabel Conspiracy to distribute and possess with intent to distribute 50 grams or more of methamphetamine; conspiracy to commit money laundering.
_	_	_	_	_	`Eastman`, John Eastman's alleged role as "a legal architect of the plan" to advance "fake electors" in Arizona led to his indictment on conspiracy, fraud and forgery charges there in April 2024.
_	_	_	_	_	`Jenkins`, Scott Howard As Sheriff of Culpeper County Jenkins received $75,000 in bribes, as cash and as campaign donations, from numerous individuals who he then appointed as auxiliary deputy sheriffs.
_	_	_	_	_	`Hostetter`, Alan Founder of the American Phoenix Project. On January 6, used a megaphone to encourage the crowd to push through the police line and breach areas of the Capitol.
_	_	_	_	_	`Tarrio`, Enrique Convened a "Ministry of Self Defense" (or "MOSD") to coordinate Proud Boys leadership on January 6.
_	_	_	_	_	`Rossini`, Mark T Conspiracy (two counts); federal program bribery (two counts). Charges reduced to misdemeanors after a conspirator's daughter donated $3.5M to MAGA Inc. (Same conspiracy as `Garced`)
_	_	_	_	_	`Milton`, Trevor Former Chairman and CEO of Nikola Corporation, convicted at trial for making false and misleading statements to investors. Donated $1.8 million to Trump's re-election campaign fund
_	_	_	_	_	`Chesebro`, Kenneth Proposed the "alternate slate" strategy: Fake electors meet and vote at the same time that real electors did.
_	_	_	_	_	`Callahan`, James As President of the International Union of Operating Engineers, Callahan received at least $315,000 in presents from an advertising firm with which the union did business. Callahan failed to report the kickbacks.
_	_	_	_	_	`Ellis`, Jenna Met with Michigan's House Oversight Committee and urged the lawmakers to ignore the certified results. Met with Arizona lawmakers, again urged for the popular vote result to be ignored, suggesting that lawmakers should not appoint pro-Biden presidential electors.

🌈 continuum	s p e c t r u m	s Ⓔ c
Plant in a fruit orchard	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	◯_ _
Towards a river's source	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_◯_
Vehicle hauling gravel, perhaps	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_ _◯_
Rolling Stones hit, a call to call to action	🎶 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 🎶	_ _◯_
Rap subgenre associated with DJ Paul	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_ _◯_
💻️	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_◯_
Historical circus raconteur	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_ _◯
Diana Ross group with hit 🎶 Where Did Our Love Go 🎶	_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _	_ _ ◯_ _ _

	RWB Camo Towel Because easily-seen towels are for the weak	S) $15 T) $45 U) $115 V) $315
	Gold Serving Tray Is it solid real gold, fake, or plate? 🤷	O) $25 P) $75 Q) $200 R) $595
	Chocolate Silver Bullion 1.5 oz of chocolate, set of 2	O) $10 P) $30 Q) $80 R) $225
	RWB Plaid Apron Is the plaid part supposed to be flag dimensions?	I) $25 J) $70 K) $185 L) $520
	White Wine Glasses Set of 2 (assumes Trump supporter has a friend?)	L) $55 M) $130 N) $365 O) $970
	Acrylic Serving Tray Because genuine marble slabs are heavy	D) $65 E) $190 F) $495 G) $1360
	Snowflake Bottle Stopper I thought they hated snowflakes?	D) $25 E) $65 F) $200 G) $495

Don the Con	Ⓒrete
Tang Tyr-	◯
Founding Far-	◯
Sweet Potato Sad-	◯
Orange Men-	◯

J.'s title : m i s t e r + E :	m y s t e r y : 🔎
🧑‍⚖️🏛️ : _ _ _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ _ _ : 🧠
👬 : _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ : lots of
🪭 : _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ _ : whim
👬 : _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ : restaurant reading
🌳 : _ _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ _ _ : agreement
🕳️ : _ _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ : Festival of Colors
🥫 : _ _ _ + _ :	_ _ _ _ _ : 🍭

Lie down!	◯
Fetch!	◯
Drink!	◯
Speak!	◯

`The` C e n t Ⓡ a l P a r k `Five`	Before they were The Exonerated Five (`RAACEKLNPRT`)
`The` ◯_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ `Five`	After they were The Central Park Five (`EADEENORTX`)
_ _◯_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ `Five`	Where thy father lies, according to Ariel (`LAEFFFHILMOTUV`)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _◯_ _ _ _ _ _ `Five`	Kurt Vonnegut novel a.k.a. The Children's Crusade (`EAEGHHLORSSTUU`)
_ _ _ _ _ _◯_ _ `Five`	Fixture of the late 1990s microgenre Shibuya-kei (`ACIIOPTZZ`)
`The` _ _ _ _ _ _◯ `Five`	Grandmaster Flash and… (`SFIORUU`)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _◯ `Five`	Spies Kim Philby, Donald Maclean, Guy Burgess, Anthony Blunt, and John Cairncross (`EABCDGIMR`)
`The` ◯_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ `Five`	English Rock and Roll band with 1964 hit "Glad All Over" (`DAACEKLRV`)

Ⓟ P A T H	Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says his ____ to heroin addiction started with crystal meth.
◯ _ _ _ _	Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is known as "The DUI Hire" for his abuse of alcohol, which can be made of ground grain called ____.
◯ _ _ _ _	Secretary of Energy Chris Wright, praising coal, said "[In places that adopt wind and solar power], prices on the grid went up and stability of the grid went down." but this turned out to be a ____.
◯ _ _ _ _	Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy was so quick to withdraw requirements that airlines compensate passengers for flight cancellations you might joke he was flying at ____ one.
◯ _ _ _ _	Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick visited Epstein's island after figuring out he was a creep and then lied about it, bringing to mind Leviticus 5:1 "And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and is a witness, whether he ___ seen or known of it; if he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity."
◯ _ _ _ _	Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem lied under ____ to congress when she claimed that ICE hadn't detained children or American citizens.

I expected a hotel, but instead got a lot of lawn trimmers‽
`F o u r Ⓢ e a s o n s`	`TOTAL L a n d s c a p i n g`
I expected a country, but instead watched Karolína Muchová and Victoria Mboko play tennis‽
`_◯_ _ _ _`	`TOTAL-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _`
I expected a car, but instead got an organization with "total" in the name, which seems like bad luck for things associated with cars‽
`_ _ _ _ _ _ _`	`TOTAL _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _◯`
I expected a citizen of the USA, but instead got an old-timey display for parimutuel betting‽
`_◯_ _ _ _ _ _`	`TOTAL-_ _ _ _ _ _`
I expected slot machines, but instead got reminded not to skip leg day‽
`_ _ _ _ _`	`TOTAL _ _ _ _◯_ _`
I expected to start playing golf, but instead missed the 19th hole‽
`_ _ _-`	`TOTAL-_◯`